This On-Set Etiquette Rule Makes Actors Instantly More Attractive

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED

I was on set recently chatting with another actor and we had this rare opportunity where the director was hanging out with us.

They're usually really busy on a shoot. 

Instead of utilizing this moment, guess what happened?

I noticed she was shifting her weight and looking around as if she needed someone else to talk to. Yikes.

We weren't including her in the conversation! We were just talking about actor things.

What most actors do (and we're all guilty of it) is we somehow shift the conversation to talking about ourselves and all of our booked gigs.

There's a reason our brains move in that direction.

We're validating that we're actors, that we've booked, and we almost need to hear ourselves say our bookings out loud to remind ourselves of this truth.

Instead, I want you to be an actor that asks questions.

This is the first step in becoming an actor everyone loves on set.

Good news! Asking thoughtful questions has nothing to do with how talented you are.

Talent and professionalism are an expectation: we show up, know our lines, make strong choices, and are able to swap those choices out when asked.

I'm gonna give you three questions to help you kickstart conversations in this post and explain why they're important.

You can ask these questions regardless of who you're interacting with on set to get a conversation rolling.

Payhip

WHY ASK QUESTIONS?

If you think constantly self-promoting is the answer, think again.

I was so excited to work with an actor on a shoot this year that I have admired from afar for some time now.

We were on set all day together.

He was fantastic at just asking people questions.

I'm talking all day. I'm talking a 12 hour plus a day. It was crazy.

And he has a very established resume with TV shows that I know you watch that are very popular shows.

Still, he was great at being interested and not just trying to be interesting.

He books, and I'm telling you there's a correlation.

Let's look at another reason you should ask questions.

Sometimes it just so happens that you do end up interacting with the director when you're on a break.

I was on lunch break once, and the director came and sat at my table. Oh snap.

If that happens to you, I want you to be prepared to ask normal questions that take the focus away from you and put it onto the other person.

Hey, that sounds just like a scene! See? You're already good at this.

FIRST QUESTION

Let's start with an easy icebreaker question.

First ask, "Are you from here?" If it's obvious they're not then ask, "Hey where are you from?"

You're gonna get some backstory about how they ended up there or if they're from the area.

Why does this matter?

You never know if you guys share a similar story, city, or acquaintance. There's nothing that bonds people more than commonality in my opinion.

Yale cites a study by Avner Ben-Ner and Amit Kramer entitled Do We Prefer People Who Are Similar to Us? Experimental Evidence on Giving and Work Behaviors (pdf link) completed​ at the University of Minnesota: 

"Our findings indicate that people are more willing to give to, share an office with, commute with, and work on a critical project critical to their advancement with individuals who are similar to themselves (Self) along a particular identity dimension than with individuals who are dissimilar (Other). However, the magnitudes of these differences depend on the particular identity category."

I think this means we're constantly searching for some basis of commonality to relate to in other people, however small. 

I want to interject here that I'm all for diversity and hanging out with people that don't look, think, sound, or believe the same as me. It challenges my thinking and forces me to grow as a person.

Even still, human nature compels us to find something in common with people that are seemingly different than us so we can find an avenue to understand each other better.

Think about your own behaviors.

Don't you get excited when you find out you're from the same city as someone else? What about the same suburb?

Your voice changes in the very next sentence, typically going higher while you smile saying, "Oh yeah?!"

You know what I'm talking about, actor friend.

What if you had that type of connection with a more established actor, director, or producer on set?

You won't--unless you break the ice.

SECOND QUESTION

Asking questions requires you to be curious.

Everyone has a reason for being in this crazy business instead of "getting real jobs" like most people tell us to do.

Hmph. At least until someone becomes a celebrity and makes millions. What do you think they were doing before that payday?! I digress.

Doesn't that make you curious as to why the people you're working with decided to take the crazy route like you?

Maybe it's the same reason you did (commonality and bonding to ensue!) or maybe it's random, which will prompt you to ask more questions.

Now that the ice is broken, your second question is, "So what got you interested in (fill-in-the-blank)?"...acting, directing, producing, just depending on who you're talking to.

Again, you're gonna get backstory and insight into that person's goals, dreams, and aspirations.

I also think that hearing how different everyone's story is will remind you that there's no one way to make it in this business.

You'll not only help build that person's confidence by allowing them to practice self-expression, you'll also benefit from being an active listener.

Listening to their story may spark an idea in you about how to pursue your career in a way you haven't thought of yet.

Check out these tips from The Law of Attraction on how to be an active listener (see Tip 4!):

TheLawofAttraction.com

Being an active listener will have a number of benefits for you as an actor since you need to network to survive. 

Read this Inc.com article on five benefits of listening well at work, or in our case, on set:

1. Build mutual trust
2. Increase productivity
3. Stay calm in crisis 
4. Boost confidence
5. Make fewer mistakes

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THIRD QUESTION

Let's look to the future.

Follow up with a third question, "Okay then what is your ultimate dream job, or are you already doing it?"

You'll get more insight and understanding about their goals.

That's really gonna help you in your future interactions with them so you can follow up on those answers.

Maybe they're doing a lot of commercials jobs right now, but they want to get into the indie circuit.

The next time you see them you can ask, "Hey, have you been able to work on any indie flicks?"

Being supportive of others' dreams is a great way to stand out from the crowd because so many people are only focused on their own success.

I mean how do you feel when someone remembers something important to you from a random conversation you had?

I, for one, have never seen anyone get upset with me over this--only impressed that I remembered. 

So that means you need to remember what it was that you guys talked about.

If you need to take notes to remember, do it.

You should have a spreadsheet for your booked gigs anyway. 

In the notes section, put who you chatted with and what you guys chatted about so you can follow up on that information the next time you work with them.

That is gonna make you look like an Actor Boss for sure.

By asking this third question, you're giving someone the freedom and opportunity to share their goals (if they want to), which gives you the chance to encourage them.

This NCBI study concludes that encouragement does actually have an impact on the brain (pdf link).

All of this leads to you being someone who is interested in others, supports their ambitions, and makes their brains feel positive emotions. 

WHY ASKING QUESTIONS WORKS

People like to talk about themselves. A lot.

Time Magazine discusses a Harvard Study that led to this conclusion while watching people's brains: "humans get a biochemical buzz from self-disclosure."

Why not be the source of that buzz? 

This means you need to be ok with the fact that you may not get asked questions about yourself. 

However, if you're genuinely interested in other people's stories and how you can learn from them, you won't have any hard feelings when you walk away from the conversation.

We can't discuss this topic without citing author Dale Carnegie who said, "Talk to someone about themselves and they'll listen for hours."

HubSpot did an amazing job of summarizing Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends and Influence People. The original page has an easier to read graphic.

​WHY TALENT ISN'T ENOUGH

Christy Wright, founder of the Business Boutique Academy, says something I love on her Business Boutique Podcast Ep. 59:

"Meet new people. Every opportunity you will ever have in your life will come through meeting people...

...No man or woman is an island. When you’re in these types of environments, it’s a great opportunity to meet people who are in your exact shoes or even a little farther along.

It’s on you to choose to build relationships."

I want to focus on one part of this quote: every opportunity you will ever have in your life will come through meeting people.

Have you ever thought about that? 

If you're a Type-A do it yourself kinda actor like me that always pushes to create their own opportunities, surely this is a wakeup call for you, too. 

I believe that we should work to create opportunities for ourselves, but we need to add relationships to the mix as well. 

How different could your career be one year from now just because a director says something positive about you?

It only takes one sentence from another person to potentially change the trajectory of your career. "Yea, I really liked working with them," versus, "I had a bad experience working with them."

Let me explain.

When I attended the New York Film Academy one summer in college, there was a beautiful foreign actress in my class.

She was big stuff in her country, too.

On the last day of our scene study class, she disagreed with a note our teacher gave her, and she lost her crap. I mean truly showed her butt and said really mean things to him.

She elevated her success above his and disrespected him in front of everyone.

It was awkward.

This teacher, by the way, was responsible for helping Karan Soni (taxi driver in Deadpool) have a personal breakthrough during one of our classes that I think made a huge difference in his acting.

Our teacher had a solid resume. I was really thankful that we had him as one of our coaches. His class was one of my favorites.

The rest of us left that day asking each other, "What the heck was she thinking?"

Can I tell you what else we all said?

"I'm not sure I could ever recommend her."

Look, people have bad days and people (hopefully) grow and develop as adults. 

But the way she attacked our teacher was harsh, beyond the excuse of a bad day. When we tried to stop her, she attacked all of us!

Would I want to put my reputation on the line with a director or producer for her knowing she may do that again? Not likely.

If anyone ever asks me if I've worked with her before, I would be compelled to tell that story. Even if I ended it with giving her the benefit of the doubt, what would you think?

Being interested other people is a surefire way to guard yourself from being hurtful or harmful to one of your co-workers.

Sometimes people just aren't going to like you, but don't let it be because you were the one misbehaving.

TAKE ACTION

I'm telling you if you're an actor that's really that interested in other people it's gonna go well for you.

We are inundated with self-promotion nowadays, so do the opposite. Be interested in others.

If you know any other actors that need this information please feel free to share this post. 

Next week we're going to talk about casting office do's and don'ts. 

I have some really good tips for you that I've gotten good feedback on, and another story that is gonna make you cringe a little bit so don't miss that.

Do you have set etiquette tips you'd like to share? Feel free to put those in the comments at the bottom of this post.

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